Wednesday, January 03, 2007

still no regrets

Only the third day of 2007 and I've already broken some of my very personal resolutions. I think I spent a lot of yesterday angry at myself. I'm always thankful I'm not surrounded by critical people. because I'm hard enough on myself that I don't need any assistance. Last night while watching some quality female television, I was hoping to be able to write a bit, as that's always what helps me to feel better. But, there I was, pen to paper and no words were coming. I have always had a true understanding of the pain of writer's block, as it feels like you're bottled up, under pressure, with nowhere to go.

Sometimes, seeing things from another person's perspective can be the hardest thing to do. Perhaps they aren't even asking you to do, but you're left with some event or set of circumstances that you're trying to make sense of. I'll own up to not being able to see the other side of the coin. Sure, I'm understanding. I listen very well and surprisingly, there are a few select things in life I do manage to muster up a bit of patience for, and people are usually the exception.

It wasn't until today, sitting in my office, Excel spreadsheet open in front of me on my monitor (as usual) that it broke. I'd closed the door and put on some of my favorite Tori Amos and Aimee Mann on rotation on my iPod. And it broke. It's the weirdest thing. As I was listening to a rare Tori song that's my fave, Cool on Your Island, I had this feeling of peace and calm wash over me. It gave me goose bumps.

I realized that I don't know the outcome on lots of things. Perhaps I'll get a better sense eventually, but I don't know now - and that's ok. It will come in time. In that, I have faith. Taking circumstances and events out of the picture, I can't explain it but I could see the path from the other side of the road. I haven't truly walked a mile in those shoes and I might not necessarily feel like everything was the right way to go, but I can understand and respect the other side.

It's so easy to think people mean to do something and have it impact you a certain way, when that may or may not be the case. I don't know that I've ever truly been able to see both. And that's why as much as I was tempted yesterday to pull the regret card that I oh so emphatically avoid, I'm equally glad I didn't. I don't regret a thing.

So yes, no regrets. Still, no regrets.


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